WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE???

Well, don't you? Sadly, there are very few individuals that are going to become millionaires by answering questions on Chris Tarrant's T.V. show. Let's face it, most of the contestants are thick as the proverbial two short ones.

There was a glimmer of hope last night, as a not unpleasant looking youth took to the chair after his flying finger was fastest first.(try saying that after a few tinctures). He was a tax inspector, well it's a crap job, but someone has to do it and he was wearing a long sleeved shirt - my criterion for going out in public, other than to the beach, though why jackets have been abandoned I'll never understand. Anyway, VATman disappointed on all fronts. 'Who starred in Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho?' 1.Janet Leigh 2.Marilyn Monroe 3. Grace Kelly 4. Tippi Hedren. "Oh a bit before my time, Chris", he guffawed like a hyena with indigestion. So what did this moron think he was going to be asked questions on, the year 2000 to the present day. He phoned his old school teacher,a virtual fountain of knowledge on all things quizzical, according to our would be oligarch. Lamentably, this educator was not able to answer the question. One wonders how the tax man passed the exams necessary to gain employment with the Inland Revenue, with teachers like that. He didn't know it was Janet Leigh. I ask you!!

Of course, there are people who have won the million on offer, some by fair means, some by foul. We remember the galloping major and his throat clearing friend who cheated their way to the loot by way of series of strategically timed coughs. Then there was Judith Keppel, descended from the Mrs Keppel, significant other of King Edward VIIth and relation of Camilla Parker-Bowles, now signifcant other of Price Charles.
She was unusual for a quiz show other than Mastermind, because she was a nob, and spoke proper and turns out she lives in Fulham and designs gardens. Chris was foaming at the mouth as he asked her about her herbatious borders. She wasn't that clever really, just lucky. She had happened to be 'en vacances' en France that summer and had visited the tomb of Margarite of Anjou (who she?) and wouldn't you know, that was the million pound question. All I can say is, she should get out more. Who spends a summer in France going round some smelly old catacombs? A lady of a certain age who lives in Fulham I hear you cry? What was wrong with a tour of the vineyards, a quick grapple with the waiter and all you can drink for 50 Francs. (7 Euro).

They have made the questions harder now, so there is absolutely no chance of any of these ill-equipped competitors ever winning more than £150,000. In fact some even have trouble with your name please - maybe becuse it was multiple choice - and go home with a couple of grand, if that.


Luckily for Chris Tarrant, the only question he needed to answer was would he like to present the show. A no-brainer. I don't suppose he had to ask the audience, phone a friend or take a 50% cut on his pay check. Jammy bastard.